May 7

numinous, and I will follow...
Today was one in which I had wished for the sun to shine a bit more on me, although it didn’t shine much on anyone here in Cambodia. It’s still pouring rain.

Despite my current bitterness, rain is one of my favorite parts of living in Asia. I love warm rain, flooded streets, thunder, lightning, volatile skies. But after being told the address to the wrong airline office by a careless travel agent, I found myself being driven around town by a duplicitous motodope (moped taxi) who kept reassuring me he knew where we were going, when we both knew he had no idea at all. After I ordered the man to drop me off on the side of the road, throwing him a fistful of wet cash, I wandered the streets, and finally arrived upon the office on foot, to argue with the agent, in broken English. When that ended with no success, I returned back to the street, where the rain was violently coming down in such excess, that when the drops fell, they literally stung my skin. I rubbed my arms, checking for welts. My white blouse within seconds became see-through, my undergarments exposed, and once again I was blatantly ogled by old men, drunks, scrutinized by families passing by, small children, the homeless.

I’ve been trying for months to muster up the courage and articulation to truly speak my mind with deep honesty. Things are not going as well as I would have hoped, although I did have months of experiences in which I will forever hold invaluable in my heart. But for a significant stretch of time, within these past 8 months, I’ve sat with my fingers rested on the keyboard, typing pages of disheveled thoughts, to after hold the delete key for several minutes, watching it all slowly disappear, wishing as if life’s problems could vanish in the same way. But alas, life goes on, and I pray most nights with my eyes shut tight, for the Lord to give me strength to do his will, and for clarity on what his will might entail. And so I ask, you friends, that if you care for me, as I do for you, you would pray for me, encourage me, have faith in me, that I might live a life in which I feel fulfilled and happy, in which I am pleasing my own soul and my maker, following the path He has already lain beneath my feet. Can mercy find a way?