February 1

For those of you who ever watch Project Runway, Udom reminds me of Austin Scarlett. The boy daydreams on a whole new level, and I sometimes look at him, doodling on the back of his assignment papers, longing for him to drag me, if only for a few moments, into his wild imagination. This was evident, the first week of school, when I asked them to draw their homes for Social Studies class. Udom drew a 3-story mansion, with a full playground and a giraffe in the front yard. Judging from his lunches containing only a small scoop of fried rice in a styrofoam take-out-tray, I have my doubts that his housing situation was accurately depicted.

Sometimes, I look at my kids, think of their possible futures, and the cynic (or realist) inside of me, ties my stomach and heart into horrendous knots. I know that sounds inauspicious. They have so much potential. If anyone believes that to be true, it’s me. But I have this ill-fated voice (screwtape) inside of me that makes me believe history could only too easily repeat itself. Chard’s father, Ly, says he believes Chard (at 7 years old) to be the hope of the family. His older brother Soum On just got kicked out of the dorm for shoving a huge metal table at the dean who is 6 months pregnant, who asked him to simply please take his jewelry off. And as she shielded her stomach away in fear of the health and wellbeing of her unborn child, he proceeded to swear at her. They can't afford a place outside the dorm, so he’s going back to live in the province with his mother. Rithy (his uncle) was upset for days, saying, “Living in the province, what do you think his future will hold?” Apparently, education is poor in Cambodia, especially schooling provided by the government, and especially in the provinces and away from the city, where even with an education, it doesn't guarantee a job or any stability. I cannot be naïve enough to try and believe it’ll be promising for everyone here that I love, maybe I’ll just have to stay forever, or at least til’ they’re all grown up, enough to make sure and fight for the future of these children. My children. As horrible as they sometimes may behave, I don’t think I could love them any less.