October 3

I try mostly to think and tell of the good moments of my days (which happen often, are incredible, I am grateful for), the moments I want to remember, and won't forget. But some days just suck. Suck. Suck. Sorry for my inability to come up with a better word, but my tired still (at 19) teenage body seems to find this word the most articulate for my situation. Physically, I am sick, aching stomach, vomitting, congested, nose dripping everywhere, sore throat, dizzy, feverish, headache, I didn't go to school yesterday, but there is no one else who can teach. I am still sick, but I went to school today, and I feel like I'm in my own little gray haze, walking under my own personal raincloud. My mind is not clear. And it takes tremendous energy to not only entertain and control, but also teach (successfully) all of my students, which even on a good day, with good health, is not guaranteed. Today, I stared out the window and felt my life suddenly go in slow motion, like one of those movies where cheesy music starts to play and everything around you sort of blurs, and you're just left thinking, "this is ridiculous and unreal, and surreal, and awful." I could go into intricate detail on all of my struggles, on this person or that, on the problems I am having with my assistant, on the iniatives I thought I would never be comfortable taking that I've suddenly been forced into, or the annoyances I feel towards the attitudes of my students' parents (like how little concern they seem to have for their child's well-being), or flaws and frustrations in the system, or the concerns (or lack-there-of) of him or her, or the exhaustion I feel from too many commitments, from poor health, from being overworked and still behind, but I'll suffice it to say that I love my job, but sometimes (like today) I wonder if and how I can do it. And I find myself praying desperately, "Lord, please be my strength, I have none left in me, please help me get through the next year, next week, next class period, next 5 minutes..." I would wish to leave you with something wittier, more hopeful, more interesting than my desperation, but all I can end with is a request that you keep me (and liz, heather, kim, ben, and the school CAS) in your prayers.